Very seldom do I describe writing about sports as being hard, but here we are.
I don’t believe it needs to be said how Purdue fans feel about this past weekend.
I aim to provide the highest form of journalistic integrity and will not shy away from the horrors we witnessed as a fanbase on Saturday. I will not pretend that my predictions were anything but hilariously incorrect. I will not divert from the subject at hand.
And with this, we are pleased to present the post-game awards for the Boilermakers’ players of the game in the record-breaking home loss to the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame.
Offense:
Did you know that the longest single-direction train track avoiding all hills and even slight turns exists in Australia? The Trans-Australian railway will take you along multiple stops in old mining towns throughout your journey from Sydney to Perth. This aforementioned stretch of outback track will take you 297 miles, or 478 kilometers, completely smoothly through Western Australia while you enjoy a complimentary cup of coffee, spotting wildlife or begging the staff to let you look at the locomotive.
Defense:
The longest single-day train ride I’ve ever had the pleasure of boarding was a train that left Venice, Italy at 7:30 a.m. that was due to arrive in Amsterdam around 9:30 p.m. With stops in five different countries and going through the Swiss alps on a beautifully clear day, it truly was a wondrous visual experience.
At the time I was planning to finish a book and start another, but the views were too mesmerizing to allow me to exceed 20 pages of reading across those many hours. I gazed into the crystal-clear Swiss lake waters while cognizant of the fact that I was being safely escorted north due to the brilliant minds of modern technology who came before us. The engineer.
The beauty of it all makes me forget about sports anger sometimes.
Special Teams:
Punter Keelan Crimmins, a poor lad forced to punt ten times, actually had a very solid yards per punt average going on. We don’t need to talk about how you should never have to punt ten times in a game, we’re gonna talk about how consistent Crimmins was.
I really do like this part here: only three of the ten punts were returnable and all were returned for under nine yards. Special teams got some, uh, good reps in this weekend, but I’m legitimately impressed with the Boilermakers’ punter.
Ten punts, 473 yards. You can work out that average, but dang: a punter approaching 500 yards in boots downfield.